The Johnston Group

Posted:

I’d like to make informed, incisive comments on current events, but I don’t have time. Therefore, I will borrow the format of the McLaughlin Group.

Item 1: Indonesia protests at US entry rules. US immigration authorities are requiring that adult muslim males intending to stay in the US must register their fingerprints with the US government. Civil libertarians at home and abroad decry the measure as racial profiling. Is this a good policy decision?

The answer is Yes! Unfortunately the policy doesn’t go far enough. Everyone from Aussies to Zimbabwians should be fingerprinted, photographed and cataloged when they enter this country. After all, they are guilty of being foreigners. Although there is a strong suggestion that the 2001 anthrax attack was instigated by a US citizen, I say: trust no one.

Item 2: Economists tackle US obesity. Of all industrialized nations, the US far outpaces the rest in fatness. Although the usual suspects for American two-ton-tessies are sloth and fast food, a Harvard University research team suggests that the problem is due to grazing. That is Americans aren’t eating more than other people at one meal, but rather they never stop eating. This new study lays the blame for the American lardbutt squarely on the shoulders of food makers, whose predatory marketing targets the sweet and salty tastebuds. Are we a nation of grazing farm animals?

The answer is no! Regardless of their pedigree, why are we listening to economists talk about health issues? Do you ask your stock broker about colonoscopies? The real culprit: vestigal Puritanism that makes Americans work hard at the expense of their own health. Down with Cotton Maher and pass the french fries!

Item 3: I’m no paedophile, says Who star. Peter Townshend was taken into custody early this week in connection with a child pornography probe by British authorities. Townshend had joined a kid porn site that required a paid membership. Townshend claims to have been doing “research” into child abuse prevention, a topic he has been interested in for some years. Is Peter Townshend Uncle Ernie?

The answer is no! As dangerous as porno is to the participants, it’s essentially a spectator sport. If porno causes abuse, then what of US football or boxing? Kudos to England for making the US look socially liberal. However, it should be noted that porno sites make poor research facilities. My advice to Townshend: pick up a nice, safe hobby like heroin and leave the research to the professional (preverts).

Exclesior!

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