five-bladed irony

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I was first introduced to The Onion in the mid-nineties. Each new issue was a bundle of joy adding to the mystique of a fledging Web. Some suggest that The Onion has lost its edge, but I’m not so sure.

Last year, the following fake news story was emitted:

«Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That’s three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I’m telling you what happened — the bastards went to four blades. Now we’re standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we’re the chumps. Well, fuck it. We’re going to five blades.»

James Kilts, CEO/President of Gillette: Feb, 2004

The strategic use of profanity, bravado and whimsy made this article a winner when I saw it. I mean, what moron would really create a 5-bladed razor? Or care that much about shaving technology? I have trouble using the 3-blade one. The face is enormous and unwieldy. So, the five blades idea is just right out.

Unfortunately, not everyone is good at picking up on irony. Clearly the R&D guys at Gillette aren’t.

«”Gillette Fusion is more than just a next generation shaving brand, it’s the future of shaving,” said James M. Kilts, Chairman, President and CEO, The Gillette Company. “Gillette Fusion extends our rich history of innovation. It’s a breakthrough platform that will continue to drive our category leadership.”

Both shaving systems feature a breakthrough 5 blade Shaving Surface(TM) technology on the front of the cartridge, with blades spaced 30 percent closer together than MACH3 blades. The combination of adding more blades and narrowing the inter-blade span creates a “Shaving Surface” that distributes the shaving force across the blades, resulting in significantly less irritation and more comfort. The Precision Trimmer(TM) blade, a single blade on the back of the cartridge, allows men to easily trim sideburns, shave under the nose and shape facial hair with control and precision. »

Gillette press release: Sept., 2005

Again, I remind readers that The Onion is strictly meant to entertain and not pollute the future timestream with dire predictions of doom. Because that’s not funny at all.