Nutpocalpse Ow!

Posted:

It’s funny how you can know a guy for twenty years and still discover something new about him. Don’t worry — this isn’t the start of Brokeback Mountain II.

I’ve known Zorknapp for nearly twenty years. I’ve lived with him (platonically) twice. We’ve been in a band together.
We do a radio show together. And yet, there are aspects of my friend that have remained hidden from me for years.

Mike doesn’t like nuts (drupes, legumes, seeds, etc. [but he’s fine with crazies]).

Now everyone has his own preferences when it comes to food. There’s no commandment that we should all like the same things. Variety is the spice of life and whatnot. As a class of food, I don’t care for fruit very much (I’m looking at you, raspberries). But Mike really doesn’t like nuts. His dislike exceeds merely not wanting to eat them. Ideally, Mike would like a government pogrom to round up and exterminate these much-beloved snack foods.

Mike is quite vocal on this subject. His normally equanimous disposition on most things evaporates when the topic of nuts manifests.
He loathes peanut butter; disdains pistachios; ahbors almonds; scorns cashews; rejects chestnuts. The smell of nuts drives all reason from the man. In the struggle against them, there can be no comprise, no quarter. To Mike, the feotid smell of open graves is less offensive than the smallest Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. His ill-will for these tiny nuggets of protein is palpable and oppressive.

In short, he is a nut racist.

I have little doubt that he will someday produce a pamphlet promulgating his nutty jihad to a population of emotional dead but physically violent youths who, because they were raised on Mickey’s Big Mouths and stale pretzels, won’t know the joy of perfectly salted peanuts. Blinded by their irrational prejudice, the Nut Haters will clash with the Nut Lovers in a conflict that will paint the streets red with blood. Then all that will be left will be cochroaches, who will show no preference between feasting on legumes or on the human corpses of a Nutpocalyptic war.

I hope to God I don’t live to see that day.